You Don’t Really Get What “Mental Illness” Means – The Killing of Walter Wallace

Among the litany of ignorant and inflammatory comments I’ve been finding on YouTube in response to the recent killing of Walter Wallace by Philadelphia police – the same tired-out claims I’ve seen time and again – something that stuck out to me today is this: don’t pretend you know what mental illnesses are, or that you know anything about their implications.

“I know he had mental illness… BUT…”

“So what if he had mental illness, you still can’t…”

Look, dingwipe. You’re lying to yourself and everyone else if you think you believe that mental illnesses actually exist. Why? Because the very concept of mental illness has huge ramifications for how we as a society view free will, hold people accountable for their actions, and grant people special care and consideration. And you’re not considering any of this. Frankly, it scares you. Believing in the existence of mental illnesses means you can’t assume anything about how someone is going to behave just by looking at them. It means you can’t just tell someone to “suck it up” or “cut it out” and expect them to behave prosocially. It means some people don’t have as much control over their actions as you think they should… and perhaps, neither do you. Hell, maybe we ALL deserve more consideration. But you can’t accept that. Your identity depends on your ability to cope with a lack of consideration from others. You need this story that people do bad things because they’re greedy and vain. The world is so much simpler that way. You can crank someone’s hardships up to eleven, but they’re still equally required to pull through.

After all, we suffer equally, don’t we…?

Anyone who complains just doesn’t want to put in the effort and expects everyone else to cover their asses, isn’t that right?

I get that you’re not going to change, not from this. Not from me. I only ask that you stop pretending that you’re on our side when you enter a debate about social justice for people of color and people with disabilities. You’re agreeing that people can have mental illnesses so you don’t look bad. You’re lampshading. Mental illness means that you will not be capable of responding to situations the way most people can. And as for the claim that having mental illness doesn’t give you a pass to misbehave in society… you’re right. In our society, no, it doesn’t. You are expected to carry yourself the same as everyone else.

Maybe there’s something wrong with that. Maybe that’s something we should change.

What’s ultimately terrifying about mental illness is that we fail to acknowledge it.

The Morality of Fat – Levels of Misconception

Tiers of the Morality of Fat:

1) Being fat does not always mean you’re unhealthy.

2) Being healthy is not always ethical.

People use their physical and mental stamina in order to oppress others, and the pleasure that they can experience can make them apathetic and ignorant to the ills of the world and other people in it.

3) Being ethical is not just about being prosocial; it’s also about living the good life.

4) Being prosocial is not always possible.

Claims that fat people over-consume at the expense of lower income people across the world, or at the expense of the environment, may have some validity. But on the whole, everybody in the middle class who live in developed nations use a great deal of energy in their daily lives, such that any additional costs from eating more food and requirements of supplementary healthcare are unlikely to be proportionally significant. More importantly, most middle and lower class people in developed nations face systemic barriers to having affordable healthy food and time for exercise, as well as mental healthcare for disorders like addiction and anxiety. Asking people to simply put in more effort toward eliminating their need for consumption cannot be enough.

5) Living the good life is subjective.

For some people, living a longer life or having lots of physically demanding experiences is important. But they’re not the only keys to a happy life, and some goods that come from being alive actually come at the expense of a longer life or being able to have lots of physical experiences, irrespective of how fat you are or how much you eat. You can’t have it all. It’s important to some people spend a majority of their time making art, solving puzzles, or enjoying lots of food. You can’t just assume that these things are less valuable. Though it can be argued that changing your diet and activity level can boost your performance and enjoyment of these experiences as well, that is true only to a point. Specializing in anything you enjoy still requires some sacrifice, and being human is about more than just being in tune with your biology.

6) Living the life you want is not always possible.

The majority of people who go on some kind of diet program do not experience sustainable weight loss. Exercise burns significantly fewer calories than people think. Fat loss may be possible in the near future for significant segments of the population, but not unless there are substantial changes in food access, job security, healthcare access, education, and media advertising. For now at least, most of us will have to accept the fact that we are going to get fatter, or stay fat, for a while. Exercise is still beneficial in a lot of ways other than simply losing fat, but it’s also something that is difficult for many people to do consistently. Moreover, people are naturally unlucky about all sorts of things, not just in the realm of fat. Some people respond to calorie restriction better than others; some people have more resources to support them than others. Some people grow up with physical activities and healthy eating as positive and reliable parts of their lives. Many do not. People have impairments, deformities, or injuries that they are born with or acquire later in life – cancers, blindness, missing limbs – that carve out life paths with very different outcomes. For these people, joy and achievement cannot look the same as it does for average people. That’s not necessarily a negative thing, but oftentimes people with disabilities have to be more creative and tenacious when society does not give them a simple blueprint for what experiences will make them happy, much less what actions they can take to make them happen.

Worst of all, depression can make this entire journey not seem worth it. Life is inherently full of suffering, confusion, grief, and regret. Sometimes this is downright intolerable. Everyone deserves the opportunity to change their circumstances so they can have new experiences and respond differently to life’s challenges, and even when people have depression… a new job, a new friend, or a new home may be all it takes to begin to make that happen. You could be like me, a person whose anxiety is frequently so bad that I overestimate the risks of physical harm and social embarrassment for trying new things, and I underestimate my worth, my capabilities, and my capacity to handle setbacks, such that I rarely enjoy the benefits of change. But there are those people for whom these resources are out of sight or out of reach for a long, long time. And there are also people who may never respond positively to these changes even when they occur. Human life is messy, and in this very fundamental way people can have vastly different inner worlds, and some people are more different than others. I can only offer this: you can never be fully sure that you are one of the people that can never benefit from a change in your life. But I would not harass even a loved one to stay alive and look for new possibilities no matter what. To do such a thing is not only presumptuous; it is selfish. And above all, it is cruel.

Losing Weight – Does It Mean Losing What Makes You Unique?

I don’t have to be as fat as I am, or get fatter than I am, in order to affirm my truth – the truth that I am queer, that I am sensitive, that I am an introvert. But I certainly do treat my fat body differently than I used to; I dress myself differently, I use more expressive body language, and I show more skin. I should have the right to change or maintain my body however I like. I cannot deny, however, that for most of the time I’ve ever lost weight intentionally that it was rooted at least in part in a sense of shame over my personality, my talents, needs, and desires. And much of the rhetoric I’ve used and I’ve heard other people use when it comes to the need to lose fat and maintain a thinner body is actually code for the real reason we all got so fat in the first place – an initial fear and grief over having been unacknowledged, mistreated, or ignored. Again, it isn’t necessary to be fat in order to reclaim our authenticity. There are some serious conversations to be had about mental and physical health. Exercise is objectively a good thing, and no one should have to feel like a prisoner in a cycle of food addiction or social isolation. We should have the right to experience a more social or physically active life if we want to. But the censorship and condemnation of fat bodies is a way to silence the hearts and minds of people of color, LGBTQA+ people, and people with psychological or physical impairments. We have to make sure that if we do try to become thinner, we aren’t losing more than our fat in the process.

COVID Pan…demonium – The Real Way It’s Messing With Our Lives

I was going to post about my grievances toward China and the United States on how their infrastructures have enabled the spread of COVID and failed to accommodate people who are at risk. But I realized today that the biggest threat we face is actually from shitty human behavior. I am socially and germ-averse, so initially I was quite sympathetic to the shutdown of modern life as we know it. I don’t like crowds and I’ve wanted people to wash their hands properly for years. At long last, state and local governments have stepped in and made coping with going to work less ambiguous. And it’s only fair, given that the workplaces and schools and public transportation we have today are ill equipped to handle the spread of dangerous viruses. But unfortunately, while the rate of severe complications from SARS-CoV2 is low for most people, the fact is that the hoarding behaviors we’re seeing all around us are putting many more people’s livelihoods at risk. I’m talking about the elderly, children, the poor, and the disabled. Human greed and fear will now negatively impact more lives than any virus ever could.

P.S.: Has South Park taught us nothing? Fear and distrust often leads to more people making erratic, reckless decisions and causing more problems than the thing we’re actually afraid of.

Despite the facade of abundance when we go into supermarkets, there is a process that keeps goods in stock seemingly all of the time. When I went into my local market I was taken aback by all the empty gaps in the shelves, and I also experienced this sinking fear. It’s abnormal. There’s always stuff, so if I don’t see any, does that mean there will ever be more stuff? I understand the impulse. The systems in place exist in part by concealing all its complicated workings and giving consumers the impression of dependability and regularity. But this means we’re all largely ignorant to the forces that shape our world, and when systems experience a disturbance, we have no choice but to reckon with the truly mutable nature of these working parts and the aims of their design. … My point is, there WILL be more toilet paper, everyone.

P.S.S.: I’m going to post some resources for COVID-19 as they come up.

My thanks to Cheddar for this informative video about hand washing. I was surprised to learn this.

I’m Not Too Hot About The City

This city is a joke, and the joke’s on me. Party people throughout the building. Tourists and shoppers on the weekend. Cars and motorcycles screaming by at night, and buses by day. The people are squeezed, and public services have no funding. Can the police help me? Can the bus company help me? I barely got food assistance and I had to appeal my disability. Are these people really going to do anything to protect MY interests?

City life here is nightmarish. The arts are held hostage by a cage of homelessness, gun violence, and public health hazards. And there sure are hazards – potholes, screaming vehicles, construction sites, just to name a few. I’m supposed to appreciate the history? The affluence? The neighborhood charms? Give me a break. Why the rich choose to live here is beyond me. Cafes are quaint, but they’re loud and cramped. Public transportation is gross, loud, and unreliable. Parking is expensive and quite a maneuver to pull off. Clothing stores are here, but they’re for small people with money. I’m neither of these things. The highways and bridges are oddly designed and require experience just to survive without hitting anyone, and then when you do, all you have to look forward to is traffic and aggressive drivers. I feel bad that I may never enjoy the museums and the theaters, the galleries and the schools. This place sells itself as a furnace of learning and creativity, but all I’ve seen in the four years I’ve lived here are social inequalities and bombastic, disruptive events. The biggest benefit I’ve gotten for living in this city has been the access to good healthcare and psychotherapy, but I think it only serves to mitigate the damage from living here. I’ve never had a job and I’m terrified of committing myself to new people and new situations, but I have to get out of here.