The Trap of Perfectionism

Is it more of a lie to go into a social setting or try a new skill while feeling broken and damaged? Or is it more of a lie to deny yourself an opportunity to be who you are even on days where you feel hurt or scared? My entire life I’ve a put a moratorium on taking risks and expressing myself because I’m afraid and embarrassed about either my body or my perceived lack of knowledge on a subject. I like to be right. I like to feel in control. And the worst part is that I would rather make up a story that there’s something terribly wrong with my health than sit in a state of uncertainty. I fill in the gaps, and more often than not, I fill those gaps with negative assumptions. But in my quest for authenticity, I am confronted with the fact that I am deliberately silencing myself because I want things to look correct. It’s black-and-white thinking. If your eyes hurt, don’t look at things. If your ears hurt, don’t listen to things. If your feet hurt, don’t walk. If your voice hurts, don’t speak. And I believe these thoughts – they feel rational. I feel like, if I’m injured, you’re not seeing the real me. You’re seeing a lie. But life is more complicated than that. It’s healthy to reaffirm your love for your hobbies and for the people close to you by indulging them and being present, even when you feel like you’re not your best. Some injuries don’t heal unless you exercise that part of your body. Long-term plans require short-term sacrifices. The intersection of your passion and your circumstances results in new experiences, and maybe that’s something I should learn to appreciate better.